I concede that
I am a mess. I am a
massive pile of
insecurities, despondence
and cigarette ashes.
I cannot apologize for
the squalor, all I can do
is clean it up
as best as I can
because I like you
that much.
I like you
too much.

You should be here with
me in this voided
hemisphere beneath the
blanket of stars. They’re
shimmering off excess
star dust and they fall
down in specks of azure
and violet as if heaven wants
to come and visit. You
should be embracing me
with your tender arms,
shielding me from harms
way, making sure I’m
secure and safe in case the
stars somehow gained gravity
and came crashing down
on to the Earth. You should
be treading your tongue in
the hollows be hide my
lips, collecting my vapid
saliva white shooting
stars glide across the
sky. You should be
here with me,
but you’re not.

Stop.

You can’t keep
treading your approximate
hands full of lust upon my skin
when your dulcet eyes
gazing upon my face
are full of love

You Are To Blame

My skin is decaying
to the bone,
My limbs are
broken and useless,
My voice is
hoarse- it's barely
a whisper,
My senses
have failed,
I am weak and
it's all your fault.

Untitled

You're heart shouldn't be

this apathetic towards

the world,

there's so many things to

look forward to,

my love,

you were once so sweet

and had a certain 

mature innocence to you

and now you're so moody

and harsh,

please, I beg you,

stop it,

you are beautiful and I

wouldn't want you

any other way.

Bare Your Soul #2

Waking up at the crack of dawn, hearing his soothing, genial voice was like hearing the radiance of an acoustic guitar playing. He stretched his arms upon his head and gave me a lazy smile and greeted me good morning. My soul tingled with electricity. He started to untangle himself from the sheets. Bare naked, his bronze, sun-kissed skin glowed in the dim, gleaming sunlight. He layed next to me, getting in tune with his surroundings, staring at the ceiling with what seemed like a curious fascination. All I could do was stare at his beauty. He doesn't look a thing like James Dean. He doesn't have a muscular structure. In fact, he was quite opposite. But those things do not matter. I'm indifferent with his "lack of fantasy qualities" the typical girl would desire in a man. My hand aches to caress his cheek, to feel his stuble and appreciate all his imperfections, but I restrain it from doing so, not wanting to put him in exasperation. He reaches over to the nightstand grabbing a lighter and cigarette. He places the cigarette between his lips, opening the lighter and watches the end of the cigarette burn crisp, inhaling the nicotine and tobacco. Thin mist of smoke dances up to the ceiling, extending its imaginary limbs to the depths of the room, swirling and twirling like a ballerina. He flicks his ashes and turns his head towards me, beaming with bliss. We uphold our gazes, our brown eyes connecting to each others soul. He grabs my chin with his free hand, pulls me in and lightly kisses my lips, gazing back into my eyes, "I'll go get breakfast." he happily announces.He slips into his over sized shirt, favorite carpi pants and over-worn flip flops. He slithers his fingers through his soft, silky hair, grabs his car keys and wallet and greets me goodbye, dancing out of the door. As soon as I hear his engine start up and his wheels reeving down the the street I sigh of relife and weap of lingering despair. I curl up in a ball under the thin, vulnerable sheets, letting my tears travel one by one down my cheeks. When I am with him, a mask is on. I hide my true feelings and lock up all emotions, swallowing the key. But see, when he is no where near my presence, I hurl the key from my inside, unlock my emotions from my chamber and let myself acknowledge that he is what I can never have. I treat him the way a lover should treat the one they love.
But I am not his lover and he is not mine.

Rainy Day

     She sat at the booth by the window, stirring her morning coffee with a spoon. She gazed out the window admiring the rain. She watched it- a million water drops kissing the ground and ribbons of light wiping the sky. She couldn't help but smile, beaming with a sense of comfort. There was something about the rain that made her feel at home no matter where she was. Whatever worries were weighing on her shoulders, the rain would melt them away, slowly but surely, washing away the excess debris. It was Monday morning, which she considered to be the worst morning of the week, but the rain made it tolerable. She took a sip of her coffee and picked up her lit cigrattee from the tables' ash tray with her free hand and traded the coffee for a delightful, placid drag. The rain got heavier, attacking the windows and the rooftops. Looking outside, everything was blurry. A hazy dream almost. She sighed, even more comfortable and content than before. She placed a 5 dollar bill on the table and causually walked out of the diner's doors. People outside where rushing with their hoods on and umberlla's over their heads into the nearest shelter possible. She smikered to herself. "Why can't they just enjoy the beautifully, chaotic day?" she asked herself.
    She walked out in the rain with great pride. No hood. No umbrella. Just her and the habiliments she was in. She was instantly soaked within the first 5 seconds. Her curly, brown hair was no longer made to perfections, her make up was completely washed off. But she mind no bit, she was utterly callous. She loved the rain. She appreciated the rain. It seemed like the only thing in the world that understood her and her emotions.

Placid Paradise.

To not exsit sounds very alluring,
It sounds placid,
It sounds voided,
None the less, it sounds like paradise,
No feelings,
No thoughts,
No emotions,
Just my body floating perceptually in a pure, white eternity,
Desolated,
Vacent,
Alone,
Endlessly floating,
Placid Paradise.

(Another) 7-21-11

Excuse me while I try to clear my throat,
It's hard to talk when there seems to be a razor slicing my flesh,
Tears begin to swell up,
Ready to descend upon my cheeks,
My fist clinched wanting to attack,
Like an eagle plunging for its prety,
Overflowing with livid-ness as I watch you walk away from me-from us with such a casual indifference,
Anguish now creeps up upon me,
Throbbing my head and pulsing into my now fragial heart,
I want to ran after you,
Grab you,
Kick you,
Scream,
Holler,
Curse you,
Make you change your mind,
But you're pretty obsinate,
In silence,
I let memories loom into my mind,
Letting the anguish take over my sanity,
Letting my world turn ice-cold and bleak.

Death.

I dunno whether to fear death or be intrigued by it,
Is there an afterlife or just death?
Should I look forward to my death or shall I fear it?
I picture it to be one of two ways;
Being free of sins, sorrow and suffering in an infinite world of enlightenment- a pure, sane paradise,
Your thoughts and feelings are still intact with your spirit,
Hovering over the ones you love,
Being in their presence when you're in their thoughts.
(Maybe that'll be Heaven)
......
Or being nothing,
You have no spirit or soul,
No thoughts are feelings,
You just simply die in an enternal abyss of blackness,
Never to exisit again,
Your fingerprints have faded on everything you ever touched,
You have no memories of ever being alive,
You just don't exisit,
You're nothing, forever.

I Wanna Sleep With You

Not sleeping as in "fucking",
but actually sleep with you
on a bitter, winter night.
I wanna cuddle under the covers
giving you sweet Eskimo kisses or
sipping hot chocolate and
watch the snow kiss the ground.
I want our limbs to be tangled
and twisted
and wrapped around eachother,
I simply just want to
sleep with you while being
in your tender arms on a
bitter, winter night.

7-21-11

I'm standing dangeroulsy close to a
thick, sharp knife.
I'm not trying to kill myself, but
I don't think it would be so
terrible if it happen to stab through my skin.
No,
I don't mean to malice myself,
I just wouldn't mind the pain.
It would sullenly make its way
in and spread throughout my body like
a vicious virus-
It could be worse,
pain is only temporary.
I would know.
I've been bashed with fist
of gruffed words, kicked in the guts because
of my disappointments,
I've dorwned in my own
self inflicted solitude, my vocal cords
have been tampered with becuase my words
aren't superior enough to be heard and
metals and debris weigh down
my feet and my delicate hands, bruising
me lividly,
That's why I don't mind stand dangerously close to this thick, sharp knife,
It could be worse and I've
been through worse.

8-8-11

My scars were stitched shut,

wrapped up in my sleeve and

enveloped from the unknown.

Livid, bleak memories impend beyond

my eyes, circling around me,

taunting me and swearing and

threatening me.

Warm, thick, liquid trickles

down my skin, 

The smell of salt and

rust emerge into the air and then

I can feel it.

Not a sudden, quick feeling but a

sudden, piecing feeling 

one by one, I can feel my 

stitches coming undone

Sluggish, in awe,

Agonsizing,

My skin stretching.

My flesh burning.

My blood oozing.

I can taste it on

the tip of my tongue.

Save Yourself.

We often find ourselves alone,

Drowning in the infinities of our sorrow,

Letting the sea engulf us whole,

Failing to grasp for air,

Failing to writhe from the waves,

Just wanting to float above the chaotic sea.

We expect someone to swim out in the depths for us.

We expect someone to dive below us,

Save us from drowning.

We want someone to be our lifesaver,

But our expectations go unfulfilled.

Reality’s waves-like the seas- crash into us,

Taking us away from the shore,

Swallow us as deep into the sea as possible.

The only one that can save you is yourself.

Bare Your Soul #1

When I looked into her crystal, glassy, brown eyes, I saw every onuce of pain. I was looking into her soul. I don’t know what, how, when or why, but I saw everything. She’s vulnerable-she keeps stitching herself close, but they snap open every time. How she crosses her arms, how she looks else-where, shunning your eyes, how she hesitates to speak-that’s her hiding in her shell. Yet here she is now, climbing out of her shell, shedding off the exterior skin, glassy eyes and all, bare naked. I think she’s inviting me into her soul. I think she wants me to explore every aching bone and heal them. I think she wants me to paint that gorgeous rosy-pink color onto her canvas-cheeks.

She needs me.

She’s scared that I’ll hurt her. I hate knowing that she thinks that. I could love her. Love her like no other. Make her smile, laugh and appreciate life once again. She’s scared I’m just like the others. Lord knows, I’m not. Ever since I saw her-bronze, sun-kissed skin, plump, cherry lips, brown-sugar eyes, a smile that could bring world peace and flowing, black, glistening hair, I knew I could love her-I would love her. And she knew that when I saw her. And now she knows she could love me.

Only When It's Midnight.

I can feel the silk,
'Can taste your cotton candy lips,
See the candles glimmer throughout the room,
'Can smell the musk and roses,
Hear the faint music of our favorite band,
It just hit midnight-our favorite time,
It's a brand new day to start it all again,
My baby angel,
My cutthroat diamond,
I'm your baby-doll,
Cuddle with me,
I'll give you sweet dreams.

You feel my skin,
Can taste the cigarettes,
See the scars stretched upon my body,
You can smell the musk and roses,
Hear our favorite band,
It's midnight,
Lets start all over,
Baby angel,
Cutthroat diamond,
Come grab your baby-doll,
Cuddle with her,
She'll give you sweet dreams.

Wondering, Wishing, Wanting…

Blues, pinks, scarlets and emeralds glimmer above my head
In the darkness that envelopes the emptiness of the four, taunting walls I can’t seem to elude from,
I lay on the fresh lavender and lilies taking in the scent,
Parsing the smell savoring it bit by bit,
I look up into the lights thinking there’s a no better sight,
For I haven’t gotten the oppurinty to explore anything beyond the place I call home,
I strech my head to the crystal glass,
The moon as high as the most graceful bird can fly,
Wondering, wishing and wanting to look at the view from another region where thrills,
Beauty and enthused turmoil occur,
Wondering, wishing, wanting…

Fuck You, Fear.

Warm, fresh tears engulf my eyes,
I sit here without a cause,
Without a purpose,
My fear has become reality,
I am nothing.

What I had made me feel acknowledged and sincerely desired,
I remember feeling the fear creeping up on me,
Knowing it was hiding in my shadows,
Lurking beneath me,
Stalking my inner sanity an soon enough,
The fear captured me,
The fear had intruded my mind, soul and heart,
It crawled through my veins and dragged itself upon my skin,

And now?
Well, the fear has won.

It had spread,
Not only invading myself,
But to the one thing that made my world worth living in,
That made myself feel ignited and as powerful and passionate as a raging fire,
The fear got to the one thing I genuinely cherished and treasured and it sickened their insides,
Invading them as it invaded me.

And now?
They're gone.

Now i'm sitting in my deserted, bleak world letting the tears escape my eyes,
Trailing down my bitter skin,
Mending with the bleak ground,
I am infinitely nothing,
All thanks to fear.

Nicotine.

You’re my nicotine.

I crave you every minute of the awakening day,

I dream of you in the darkest of nights,

I want to swallow you whole, inhale every bit of you,

Infecting my lungs, you kill me little by little,

But you make me feel so free and content, buzzed and at ease,

You taste so good, I don’t want to exhale one bit of you,

You taste so good, but you’re so horrible for me.

You’re my nicotine.

It Just Feels Right.

...And in the begining,
Everything is brand new,
Fresh, eciting, polished and shiny,
Everything said and done feels right,
Like it's the way things should be,
Ecstatic, carefree, stable and smitten.

Then there comes a point where you become aburtlry terrifed,
Thoughts looming in your mind, taunting you,
"One day, this will all fade."
Like a fire cut from it's oxygen source,
Nothing to ignite off of, no fuel,
No passion, no thrill, no excite,

And once the fire fades out complteyly,
All you have is debris of it all,
The passion, the thrill, the excitiment, that rush of intense ecsaty,
It's all burnt crisp,
Too much damage done to restore it back to life, to its rightful health.

Nothing is infinite,
All good things must come to an end,
But where you stand now is so...nice, calming, freeing and anticipating,
You want to stand in that spot forever,
Holding there hand,
Under the sun,
Even when it's cloudy,
In the rain,
Even when it's storming,
Through the snow,
Even when it's piercing cold,
Cause holding there hand is all you need and is what you always come back at the end of the day through all the chaos.

It's one of those things in life that just feels right,
Like the way things should be.

Lovers With A Reason.

Light up the cigarette,

Inhale the nicotine,

Let the ashes fall onto the moist pavement of the city streets,

Let the soothing, blissful, toxicating smoke buzz into your mind,

Traveling throughout your bloodstream,

Pumping its way into your heart.

Lets walk around the city,

Look up at the starless sky the city light blinds,

Lets walk around the city,

Not rebels without a cause,

But lovers with a reason,

Your hand in mine,

I can feel your pluse pumping faster and harder into my hand,

I grip back harder in pesponse.

Flick the cigarette,

Exhale the nicotine,

Stomp and smash it into thr pavement of the city streets,

Lean your head close to mines,

So close to where what air you breathe out I breathe in,

Your chocolate brown eyes shimmering from the city lights,

Your anxious hands still wrapped up all in mine,

Let our lips touch,

Tasting the menthol and nicotine from our cigarettes.

Let your emotions linger from your heart to mine,

Let them connect,

Lets feel them together as one,

We’re not rebels without a cause,

But lovers with a reason.

8-5-11

I use to hide in the shadows,
Staying inside the hollow,
Invisible to every awaken eye,
Incredulous to every possibility ever being found,
I thought I would dwell inside myself,
Never letting anyone into my soul,
Never letting another bruise loom across my skin from hands that were suppose to gently touch my heart,
Never letting words convince me that i'm as rare and exquisite like a diamond buried deep down in to the rough,
Never giving my mind, soul or heart away for anyone to cherish,
Because they've all been shattered into a million pieces that I've had to stitch back together,
Creating them to be harsh and barely indestructible,

But then you said, "Hello." to me,
Not just any ordinary, "Hello.",
A"Hello." that put colour upon my cheeks and filled my stomach with butterflies and got my heart pounding like an earthquake,
I remember walking away with a huge, beaming smile plastered upon my face,
"He notice me." was all I could think,
You took your time to come into my hollow and greet me with no harm, You found me,
And ever since then I've been out of my shadow,
Walking into the sunshine looking up to the blue, graceful sky,
I'm no longer skeptical of all the possibilities in the world,
I'm no longer bitter and stubborn to myself,
You changed my mind when no one else could and convinced me there's still hope and beauty glimmering throughout the skies,
Ever since the day you held me,
Bare and warm looking into my eyes, I knew you were....different,
I knew you would always look at me like that no matter what,
Ever since that day I knew I would love you,
I don't know when, where or how it'll happen,
You don't have to love me back or give your heart away to me,
You looking at me with those deep, warm brown eyes and holding me, savoring the moment is good enough for me.

Voice.

I have a voice.

It's not being used the way it should be.

My voice doesn't deserve to be locked up inside a chamber,
It deserves to speak up for itself,
Deserves to be heard,
Not under pressure,
Not because it has to,
Because it wants to.

I want my voice to not hold back,
I want my voice to talk to fear,
Say what needs to be said.

To speak truth and not lies,
Be bliss and not ignorant,
To be educated and no foolish,
To fill up a room with courage and not awe,
Sound smooth as butter,
Not rough and rigid like sand paper.

I have a voice.

I plan on using it the way it should be.

6-17-11

Twilight greets the hour,

The horizon burgundy violet,

Twinkle, Twinkle glimmers the stars,

How I wonder how far you are.

Have I been blessed or cursed?
Am I alive or just a a zombie?
Do I breathe off of the air the Heavens and God provides me,
Or do I breathe off of the blood and flesh ready to attack like a frantic shark?

I defy life and death,
Will I fly to Heaven and meet my Father,
Or shall I fall into Hell appalling the Devil?
Is it possible to be in between?
Greeted by Angels as Demons watch in the shadow,
Looking into a ray of light as a dreadful darkness creeps upon me...

Life loves to throw mishaps onto my lap,Testing on which side should I choose,
What should I do...
It's all so much,
Too much to a point where I've fallen onto a despairing pathway,
To a point where I even question my life and it's worth living for

Yet I'm so frighten by the thought of even remotely dying,
Even more frighten that I have to breathe to remember I'm still alive.

Summer Sky.

The Summer sky brings the heat upon us, toasting our skin,
The sun's giving too much,
But it shines beautifully against your hair,
Revealing your honey-auburn shrieks,
Reflecting off your bronze dipped skin

You're beaming with joy,
Letting the sun seep into your pores,
Letting bugs fly through your hair,
Enjoying the Summer sky,

You look so graceful as you walk along through the grass,
Spinning and twirling like a ballerina,
Breathing in life,
Enjoying what the day brings,
It feels like Hell out here,
But you make it all like Heaven.

It's Lethal.

Breathe in.
Swallow it a little.
Breathe out.
Let the lethal posion be exposed to your lungs,
Let it buzz your mind.
Calming, isn't it?
What was once livid anger is now appeased sanity,
It only takes one to get hooked,
One.

Once you're hooked, you crave them.
Like you're a vampire desiring the taste of human blood,
You may even have dreams about them,
 When nothing else in the world can calm you down,
They can.
It's kind of a shame,
Once was sweet is now bitter,
You use to have an antidote,
But now you have your own designer toxin.

Adolescence

Is there a reason?
Or is this inexplicable?
We tread on the tarmac leading us to God knows where,
Where ever you go,
Don't let them appraise you,
Be conclusive to any doubt they give you.

I know you loathe the mistakes you've made,
You live, you learn,
Inhale it all in,
Let it race into your head, pulsing vigorously,
The exhale it all out,
Push it all, force it,
Like an enormous wave crashing into the shore,

Paint that gorgeous smile on,
Colour your cheeks, rosy pink,
There's always a reason,
But somethings are inexplicable,
Don't try to fathom it,
It was always incomprehensible,

Now is your chance to a new beginning,
Undergoing adolescence,
You might not even understand yourself,
Just keep treading and revving through the mishaps thrown at you,
You'll discover something greater than yourself.

A One Time Thing (You Whore)

As the days go by your always so alone,
You try to avoid sleep and avoid the next day,
The next day is just a reminder of all the dries and screams, you're too isolated.

Your heart hardly seems to ever beat,

You're living the best life without a soul,

You get so bored to the point where your up for anything,

Oh, you no-good, dirty-please breaking hearts to the floor.

You're stares abuse me,
The slightest touch digs in my skin;
By the time our lips meet I'll probably be dead.

Oh he's just playing hard to get...
Or it was just a one time thing and know you're a whore.

Little Ole' Me

Little ole' me...

Little ole' me...

Last time I looked right into your eyes I had died a little inside,

Little ole' me,

Brush my cheek,

Brush my cheek,

The room was bright,

Your hands in mine havin' a good time,

Brush my cheek

I was sitting on your lap, 

You' were exploring my body,

No words were being said,

But our eyes kept on sayin' I want you,

I want you in my bed

I want you against me

Now God hates me,

God hates me,

But he kept on tellin me that you weren't worth a dime and I should just walk on by...

God loves me.

2-20-95

Dear Kurt,

Fuck you. Fuck You. Fuck you. Fuck You. Fuck you. Fuck You. Fuck you. Fuck You. Fuck you. Fuck You.
Fuck you. Fuck You. Fuck you. Fuck You. Fuck you. Fuck You. Fuck you. Fuck You. Fuck you. Fuck You.
Fuck you. Fuck You. Fuck you. Fuck You. Fuck you. Fuck You. Fuck 
Fuck you. 
How could you do this to me? To Francis?! We fucking love you, but you had to be a selfish bastard and throw it all away! Did we mean absolutely nothing to you?! What about your music? Your fucking fans? You fucking lair! You wanted to be huge and famous, you wanted to be a fucking rockstar, you wanted a family, then you fucking shoot yourself?! You know how agonizing it was to walk up into our greenhouse and see you...dead? Lifeless?! No offense, but you looked fucking gross. Paler than ever, pasty-green, bloody- and lets not forget that little fragment of your skull with your hair and brain shit all over it. Then to fucking cremate  you? Then see all your fans crying their eyeballs out in pain? Kurt, why couldn't you just listen to Dave, Krist, Eric and all the others? And me?! We wanted to help! We got in distress seeing you taking heroin and over dosing on the middle of the fucking floor!
WHY COULDN'T YOU FUCKING STOP?! YOU KNEW WE FUCKING CARED! YOU KNEW YOU WERE HURTING US AND YOUR FUCKING SELF!
But none of that was good enough, not even your own fucking daughter. That's all she'll ever probably know. For all I know, she'll think she wasn't good enough to have a father in her life. All she'll know is that her Daddy was this famous rockstar "icon" addicted to drugs then killed himself!
See what you do to me? All I wanted to do was be the greatest female guitar player and marry someone with a rockstar with a great fucking nose and....FUCK!!!
I knew you didn't love yourself and you probably never would, fucking excuse me for thinking me and Francis love would've made up for that,but it didn't.

Where ever the fuck you are...
Fuck you.
I love you.
Francis loves you.
We love you.

Hate, Courtney

Every Time...Only With You.

Every time I look out the window and see the rain violently tapping the road,
I think of you.
How you would've held me like I was endanger and caress me as the rain gently kisses our thirsty skin,
How you would've reassured me by whispering words of sweet melodies in my ear over the chaotic, but faint drumming thunder,
How you would've looked in my eyes, traveling them down my temple like you're looking miles ahead at a mountain as if the striking lightening didn't exist,
How you would've cradle me as I were a crystal diamond or a precious new born baby breathing in life for the very first time,

Every time I look out the window and see the rain violently tapping the road,

I think of you.

The late night fantasies we shared and promised to keep a secret without promising at all,

The restless nights,

Hardly any sleep and trying to recover from it in the morning,

I look out the window today thinking everything's okay.

But then I think of you.

What's Wrong With Heaven Tonight?

I think we made the Angels mad,
Heaven can't seem to stop shedding tears,
Nor can they stop banging on their majestic clouds,
What in God's name is that flashing bolt?

Are they taking their anger out on each other?
No they can't be.

They're obviously taking it all out on us,
Every little bit of their grief, sorrow, self-pity, frustration and solitude,
They're throwing it down on us,
On everybody.

Why?
To teach us a lesson?
Perhaps some sort of vengeance?
To let us know how it feels to give so much to a person and to find out it's all been wasted?

I really dunno,
It's sure no heaven on Earth tonight,
The place we are suppose to call God's creation is now...
The Devil's Chamber.

Swan.

I thought I knew you.
Compassionate, carefree, loving,
Always adored by the other flocks,
Wanted, desired, envied,
I wanted that.

You portrayed a beautiful, alluring swan,
Barely touchable,
I, by your side was a gloomy ugly duckling,
Utterly shunned.
I wanted to be...you.

But now I know what you are...
Impulsive, frantic, unholy,
You're a vulture,
Feeding off of the flesh beneath you,
The flesh of those who cannot recuperate themesleves from harms ways,
You're a vulture feeding your flock with lies and others secrets.

I know who I am,
I'm the fucking swan,
Graceful, kind, intriguing,
Your mesmerizing charter was just a distraction to the foolish eyes.

Make Love

Lets make love,
I don't want to have sex,
I refuse to fuck,
I want to make love.

I want the window slightly open,
So the rain and thunder can ooze into the room,
Creating a blissful, desiring mood,
Under the creamy, silk sheets.

Your strong, tender arms to grip my curves, gently,
You board, chiseled, Greek-God body over me,
Protecting me from the worlds cruel antics,
My hourglass body is shown to you, more divine than ever,

Please, Love- Don't make a fool of me,
Caress me,
Hold me,
Thrill me,
Cherish me,
Love me shamelessly

Speak words of holiness,
Touch with appreciation,
Seek with fascination,
I am yours and you are mine.

Let the rain be as blissful as a joyous smile,
Let us make love for those who don't know how.

Seasons of Love.

Maybe you love me,

Or maybe I'm hearing you wrong,

The touches that were suppose to heal bruise violet and scar,

There's no kind of science that can analyze what we had created,

So we'll leave every question unanswered and put in a grave.

And we'll never know what it's like in the Spring,

Winter was so cold and too bleak to be free,

Maybe Summer will be better when all the flowers have blossomed and the sky is crystal clear,

But then everything slowly fades and dies when Fall is near.

Patience, My Dear.

My Lord, My Savior,
God knows that I'm trying to be patient,
God knows I'm waiting for that moment,
The moment when everything is suddenly clearer- or so that's what John Lennon thinks,
The moment when I've fallen in love.

I've thought I loved once or maybe twice,
But I was only infatuated, more so with the idea than the person,
God knows I'm trying to be patient,
For someone to approach me, witty, charm, irresistible smile,
Eyes I could float in, since I struggle  to swim,
Hand that can heal and not bruise,
To look up to the sky, sun descending with cotton candy clouds,
Violet horizon.

Run the city streets, rushing past the lights and cars and buildings and people,
To go to concerts, breathing in everyone's excitement and energy,
Cherishing every second as the sound thumps against our hearts,
Traveling throughout our bodies,
To cuddle with,
Sharing smiles,
Shedding tears,
To have laughs with.

To sit in silence and not expect each other to say anything,
Because the moment is already beyond perfect without needing to say one word or sigh one sigh,
To even think about the flaws we have are fine,
Cause that's what makes us who we are,
God knows exactly want I want and need,

I can be patient.

If You Only You Could.

I wish you could appreciate the music I listen to,
The music I cherish and analyze,
The music I stay up to all night,
The lyrics sing words I've always wanted to say, but never had to courage to,
Or to say the things I wish I had thought of first.

Sometimes the words feel like they're only being sung to me,
Not the audience they perform it for - just me,
Like the song or even that whole album was made just for my hollow ears to hear,
For my muffled voice to scream and shout,
The chills throughout my spine I get...

I wish you would come to a concert with me,
Put down that Ipod filled with all that artificial shit,
Hear the real deal,
Drums, bass, guitars,
Raw. Bare. Naked. In-Your-Face. Real.
Heaven.
Fell the crowds excitement, love, appreciation,
Fist in the air,
Jumping without a care,
Singing along.

Being that close to the people who got you through your most difficult times,
The background music to your happiest moments - It's indescribable
I want you to feel all of it,
Feel it all with me...


But i'm not stupid.

You'll never appreciate the music I listen to and how much it means to me.

2-23-11

I awaken at dawn,
Eyelids struggle to stay up,
I almost walk blind,
I slip into my dingy clothes and sear shoes.

The Queen hardly gives me any altercations,
She has belittled me, disdain me,
For I am infamous,
As her disobedient servant.

"Your work is TEDIOUS!", she hollers.
Her voice is filled with venom, ready to attack.
"You shall be fain to do anything I bid you to do! You shall NEVER defy me for I shall banish you from this Palace and my imperial grounds!"

I loathe her voice,
her voice speaks words I despise,
I despise myself for abiding her voice and stifle words.

I depart from her chamber into a dark hollow,
I knell by the grimy walls,
I purify the floor for the ones whom walk with Reign in the palm of their hands,
The one with Reign upon them will never understand the anguish thrusting through my veins,
As a creature of the sea thrust viciously through the water,

They'll never take obituary in my silent weeps of woe.

Herion Diaries

This place is.....
Dark, damp, dirty, dingy,
Everyone's beyond fucked up, doped with God knows what substance,
My skin...damaged, broken, dry
I look at you with this syringe, it's sucking up this disgusting, brown liquid,

You give me a sloppy smirk, your eyes barely open, "Ready?" you slur,
"Uh-huh." I mange to half way groan.
What am I even getting ready for? I think.
You take my arm,
Without warning, you jam the needle into my vein, feeding it every bit, every drop.

There goes that familiar rush.
I can feel the lethal, disgusting liquid traveling through my every vein,
My veins protrude from my skin,
The room is violently spinning,
My eyes flickering.

Tense, yet relaxed,
Paraniod, yet carefree,
My stomach consorts and twist,
My gut tightens and melts all at once.

Now it's done, I'm complete,
Completely a different fucker,
All my henious, anarchy and heartlessness comes from that dirty needle,
Through my veins,
Entering my bloodstream.

Suddenly, everything's...blurry,
My chest constricts as if my lungs will collapse at any given second,
I think i'm suffocating,
I  gasp for air, I try to cough, inhale,
I try anything and everything so I can breathe the oxygen to Earth's atmosphere provides me with.

Here I am, dying,
Fallen on the floor hearing these faint laughters and screams and voices,
This floor is so fucking frigid, piercing cold,
Or maybe that's my skin and body tempature,
Everything feels so cold and icy.

Everything's black.

Miles Away From Home

I walked for miles and miles, didn't find a thing,
No truth, no trust,
No love or peace,
The sun was so weak,
There was hardly any warmth.

I walked for miles and miles trying to find answers,
I ran way and now there's nowhere to go,
But then again, I've experienced worse.

And then I close my eyes and see the place where I once lived,

I was absurd to think I could become happy,
Under a secure shelter- I was more under a ruthless Hell,
But it's all over now,
Then I open up my eyes...

I think I'll go back home,
Blind and deaf,
I won't have to hear the screams or see the tears,
I would go back home with a smile,
The roads aren't clear, it's too dangerous,
I guess I can go another mile,
Another mile away from home sure sounds nice.

Escape

I am going to escape for awhile,
Pretty please don't try to follow me.
I tried to make the best out of everything I had which was nothing.
All the mistakes I made,
All the things I've done to cure my despair that only made matters worse...

Traveling endlessly on the bleak road where nothing lays ahead,
I've lost my way back home,
Hell might never try to find me,
But boy, misery sure does love some company.

Now I'm running from the anguish,
From the fear,
Running, because I'm afraid what's behind me.

Your (Ex-)Lover's Gone.

Is this the place the heavens frown upon?
It's just the place the Devil can find us.
Disdain the one that always tempts evil.
But we converse and yearn for their support.
So run the the hearth and burn all the fondness.
Save all the ashes to remind us...

The time as lovers,
The time under fall skies,
Now nothing is fine,
Nothing...

Departing months that you've desolated me.

Wailing the months you've showed apathy.

If they part sweet then we would part bitter.

It leaves a lethal taste in my mouth.

I don't mind, I wander the bleak roads.

I just ride til day has passed us.

The time as lovers is gone,

Under fall skies,

Nothing is fine,

Nothing.

3-30-11

Abandoned, left out in the starless night,
Piercing and lonesome.
Carless winds whisper in the shadows, obscure.

You conceal your dingy hands from everyone,
Because you're pure and sane.
What sunlight can beam over the hazy night you hide in?

I want to be cleansed from the fiends in the shadows,
The water's masking over me,
I've washed to the shore.

You're living the dream that I can never grasp,
Vivid and soil-rich.
The devil keeps haunting the beaming sky, from me.

Bleeding Out All That Use To Matter.

Blades graze on to my skin and I bleed out,
I bleed out to know I'm still alive because simply breathing is not good enough.
My blood extends on to the abyss, black floor,
Traveling, flowing like an endless river.

I've been in undescriable agony for much time now,
It's impossiable for me to recuperate,
My flaws overtook me,
Leading to my faults.

All the mistakes I've made keep piling up,
Becoming too shameful to bear with and too much to cloak,
I am a disgrace to you and your achivements.

I dig the blades deeper into my hollow skin,
I bleed out all the hope, all the colour,
But with the little bit of hope that has not yet escaped,
I inhale what I hope to be my last breath of air.

Love?

Written: 6-10-10

Love heals,
Love hurts,
Love is good,
Love is bad,
Love is why we smile,
Love is why we frown.

Can we start again...?
For goodness sake!
...Because I miss you.
Yes I do,
No I don't,
I dunno.

Can you look at my face,
The way you did before when things were semi-okay?
I never complained,
Oh maybe a little,
Did I ever complain?
I didn't wanna be alone,
I wanted to be in love.

So can we start again...?
You're so diffucult,
You're so critcal,
You're so frikin' girly.

Maybe you're not for me,
I sure thought so,
I hoped,
No prayed,
But hoped for you,
Can't get what we want,
So I have to make more room for your non-existing presences.

Love heals,

Love hurts,

Love is good,

Love is bad,

Love is why we smile,

Love is why we frown.

</3

A Damaged Fix

Written : 4-6-10

Even though the pieces are back together,
Everything still seems like it's broken,
I feel like I've left somethings unsaid,
I would like to share,
But you wouldn't care.

As I lay across your chest,
you look so unsure and you lay so still,
I try to catch your eye as they stare off into space,
But you never pay attention,
So I close mine.

Then I lean for what would be our last kiss,
I'd do anything to feel your lips,
I walked around foolishly when you went the opposite way,
It was pretty unpredictable,
But I saw it coming anyways.

I Feel At Ease. I Think I'm Free.

I gaze through the crystal clear window on a hot summer day,
The suns rays toast my golden, honey skin as the gentle breeze wipes away the beams of sweat trickling down from my pores.
Freshly squeezed lemons pours down my throat, the sweet, tingly taste makes my tongue dance with joy.
The blossomed tress and the blossomed flowers electrify my eyes, looking left, looking right, then up into the dreamy, peach sky.
Birds chirp, "Farewell." as the fireflies buzz, "Good evening."
All the advance technology is no where in sight, it's only mother nature and I inhaling the harmonious, solitary evening.
The sun yawns, "I'm exhausted." as the moon takes charge saying, "I'm ready."
Moonshine glimmers off the lakes floor, The Smiths There is A Light That Never Goes Out, magically introduces itself to the air with a delightful passion creating a reflective mood.
I'm finally no longer a rebel without a cause, I am no longer against the world,
Hollering and swearing to the Heavens, "Why?" and saluting to Hell, "How?"
I'm finally...free.
                           Free from myself

Walking A Thousand Miles In My Awaken Dream.

I've walked a thousand miles, my feet nude, stepping on the burning sand,
The intense heat turns into cooling air as the sun descends.
I've walked a thousand miles and discovered love, hope and bravery,
But behind all those qualities I had unfortunately discovered blissful hatred, pessimism and fear.

I rested with you while on my unpredictable journey,
Being in your arms I wish I had died so I wouldn't have to get up without your consolatory tenderness that would follow me through my haunting days,
I wish I would've died in your arms so I wouldn't have to wake up with the stabbing truth.

I've walked a thousand miles with a dagger clasped in my heart,
Wearing a afflictive, but disarming smile,
Looking up to the sky, asking it to shower tears,
Feed the soil for they thirst,
Give me purity and wash away the dirt that clings to my skin.

I've walked a thousand miles, my voyage comes to a bitter end,
I walked a thousand miles and I've never been so exasperated in my awaken dream...

Look Up To The Blue Skies Once The Grey Clouds Have Perished(:

The blue skies will be released after the grey clouds perish,

I look to you for good news my ears haven't heard in so long.
The rain has washed away the debris,
And the remians weaken and lessen,
But I refuse to mold into waste and be washed away, I refuse...


I took you for better or worst and we held hands and walked through the thick fog,
But we lost our grip.

Now I grasp to what I thought I knew,
And hold onto the memories,
I hold onto the memories for they're the only thing that'll never change.
And I won't be forsaken again in this vacent region,
Maybe I should go back home to where God doesn't even know where.
I've been a living corspe needed to be resurrect,
But i'm scared for what will be waiting if I make myself vulnerable...

But there'll be a future where you won't have to hold back tears,
And the despair that lays deep within your heart will soon disappear,
If you get up from the gutter and purify yourself with faith and prospect that's been waiting for you.

If Only They Knew.

I sat on my throne, but they overrode me

With a strong, mighty force.
Then they took my crown and shattered it without shame,
And burned the remaning pieces into a grave.

They stood outside my castle and rioted til the breaking of dawn,
Howling words of hatred like a wolf howls at a full moon.

They took everything,
But they didn't realize,
I've stumbled upon broken glass,
I've drowned in solitude,
And though i've always been surrounded by extravagent luxeries,
I've felt nothing but hapless.

They've taken everything, but they never realized
I had nothing to lose in the first place.
</3

Demon in Disguise

Through the veins, I heard them sang,
I'll swallow 100 pills a day and never be cured from this sickening woe.
Her smile brightens the darkest days the sky cast over us like she's God Angel.
I know what you are, a Demon in disguise,
I knew what you were, I should've never trusted with my words.
Maybe...I'm easy...May be a fool...
I feel like a cheap cigarette from a deceiving mouth.
I think we need Holy water,
but your possessed with the Devil's mind with your angelic face.
I scream to the heavens when you drag my soul to Hell,
I never should've trusted you with my words...